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Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Misguided Messages

I really do have a medical condition that causes memory loss. I can’t blame it all on menopause. This condition creates daily hurdles for me to jump over so I came up with a few coping strategies to help me remember things. One of those strategies is to email myself.  This is normally done on the fly using the mic on my iPhone. For example, when I am getting out of the shower and remember I need to pick up milk or when I am just about to start a yoga class and remember I need to sew the hole in the fork of my yoga pants. I’ll just send myself a quick email using the phone’s mic so when I look at my phone later I will remember to buy milk and wear underwear to yoga.

The problem with this strategy is I don’t always take the time to make sure I have selected MY email address or that autocorrect understands my Newfoundland accent.  

A few days ago, I received an email from a friend who had typed, “Stay strong. I am surprised, but I’ll support you no matter what you decide.” I was confused at first. Then I scrolled down through her message and discovered the email I thought I sent to myself earlier that day had been sent to her by mistake. The email I sent to me was “To do today: Clean out hubby and my closet. Bag and bring to goodwill.” The email SHE received said “Today told hubby I am out of the closet. Sad to tell him I am Bill.”

Well, as you can imagine I had to make a quick phone call and go into damage control mode before word got around. I thanked her for the support but assured her  the occasional facial hair was from menopause not hormones. We had a good laugh and I made a mental note to read emails before I sent them.

Of course, I forgot that note five minutes after I hung up the phone.

A good friend of mine is a Priest. Last year I accidentally sent him an email that said, “Why do I sweat more under my boobs that my armpits?” I had met with my doctor a month before about controlling some annoying menopause symptoms. She had put me on a new drug but told me to keep track of the symptoms and any questions I had for my next appointment. That morning the annoying symptom was boob sweat. My Priest friend emailed me back with, “I don’t know but I’ll pray for you.” Can you just picture this poor man on his knees hold Rosary beads chanting “Please Lord Jesus give us world peace, stop the suffering of little children and cure Helen’s boob sweat.”

This morning was the worst. I can no longer leave my house. I have also banned myself from email. I woke up to an email from my former boss who is a high-ranking officer in the RCMP.” All the email said was “???? Did you mean to send this to me?” I jumped out of bed and scrolled down through the message. Last night, before I fell a sleep I sent myself an email that said, “How do you cure vaginal dryness?”

Oh, sweet hearted, jumping in the garden Jesus!!! I can’t believe I did that!!!
I had to send him back an email that said, “Sorry. That was meant for me only. (P.S. was asking for a friend).”


Moral of the story is; if you ever get an email from me that seems a little weird or embarrassing. Please delete it and don’t answer it. Or, if someone tells you I am a lesbian with boob sweat and a dry vagina please tell them you have it from a good source that rumour is not true.