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Thursday, October 16, 2014

Tweeting in the 80s


Me at Club Max in the 80's during my Tina Turner phase
Thank God we didn’t have social media when we were teenagers!

We are the last generation that can lie to our kids about our teenage years. Why? Because we didn’t have Facebook or Twitter.

We didn’t keep a daily running log of how much we hated school, who we had a crush on, who we didn’t like, where we went or what we did.

We didn’t take selfies ten times a day showing off our duck lips or take pictures of our lunch to show everyone how great our peanut butter sandwich looked in the wax paper.

No, we didn’t drink when we were teenagers! We never spoke back to teachers; we treated them with the utmost respect. I never smoked a cigarette in my life. I was home every night by 7 o’clock except on Fridays and Saturdays when I was allowed to stay out till 9.

What! You don’t believe your own Mother!!! Prove it. Show me the evidence… that’s right. There isn’t any because my generation never had to deal with social media or the internet!

Google meant going to the library. Inviting people to you birthday party meant knocking on their front door and handing them an invitation that you wrote by hand. Expanding your knowledge meant reading a book.

Thank God too! Can you image if Facebook and Twitter existed when we were teens?

Still, I can’t help but think… what if social media DID exist back in the 80s… what would a week of my Tweets and Facebook updates look like?

Let’s see…..

Monday morning:
 “Attention Holy Heart gals, Sister Furey & the Penguins are on patrol – hide your smokes in your leg warmers.”

Monday night:
“Dance at HH Gym Friday night with the Brother Rice boys. Hide your flask in the lining of your purse. Mr. Byrd will never look there.”

Tuesday morning:
“2 for 1 at Club Max this Friday night.  Can’t wait to disco! Got the biggest shoulder pads you’ve ever seen from Dalmys in Atlantic Place. Looks like I fell off the set of Dynasty. Will post a selfie later”

Tuesday lunch time:
“Sister Furey forgot to pluck her chin hairs today. L
ike, grody to the max!

Wednesday morning:
“Are you supposed to mix Lemon Gin with anything? Been throwing up yellow gall since Saturday night.  So grossed out“
Yes, I really did get to meet Bon Jovi in the 80's.

Wednesday after school “Crazy Bart just asked me out! Like, I am sure! Like did you see his mullet? Gag me with a spoon.”

Thursday morning:
Picked up the latest Tiger Beat last night. Jon Bon Jovi is on the cover he has a bodacious bod. No one is asking him “Where’s the beef?”
Thursday evening:
“Loves Princess Diane’s black ribbon tie on her frilly blouse. Can’t wait to copy that Friday night for the dance. I am going to be so Bitchin’. Still don’t know what she sees in Big Ears.”

Friday morning:
“Rice’s is selling smokes 3 for 25 cents. Anyone want to go in on a butt & a half with me?”

Friday lunch time:
“Dying for a DeMaurier extra light and Pepsi. Can’t wait for school to end.”

Saturday night:
“In the lineup at Club Max. Air head in front of me is wearing a skirt to her knees. Like barf me out. Who does she think she is, Olivia Neutron Bomb?”

5 minutes later:
“Mall chick standing behind us in the line is freakin’ because our cigarette smoke is blowing in her face. Like don’t have a cow lame ass. It’s a free world!”

5 minutes after that:
“Dipstick on the door is checking for IDs. Brenda is shitting bricks. I told her take a chill pill. We’re totally rad.”

20 minutes later:
“Finally in. Fixed our faces and we’re already on the disc floor. Can’t wait to show off my Moon Walk.”

20 Minutes later:
“Some dudes are doing the Worm in the middle of the dance floor. This place is totally off the grid!”
Last Tweet:
“Word up! We’re totally baffed. On the way home.”

Ya. I am so glad Facebook and Twitter was not invented in the 80’s. My children will never know how cool I really was. Word to ya Mother.