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Thursday, September 25, 2014

The best way to lose weight… the "Dog Diet"

The best way to lose weight is… dog! No, you don’t EAT it, you WALK it (that’s WALK not WOK). It’s called the “Dog Diet.”

Over the years, I have tried every diet known to woman. From Weight Watchers to the cabbage soup diet. They all work for a week then I just gain it all back once the diet is over.
There are so many crazy diets on the market if you Google weight loss. For example the “Cotton Ball” diet. Yes you eat cotton balls to fill you up. It’s a real thing but no thanks, I have enough stuffing that’s why I am Googling weight loss. Or how about the 30 day cleanse where you don’t digest anything for 30 days except juice and water. A better name would be Anorexia 101: an introduction to eating disorders.
I just want to fit comfortable in my size 10 jeans, I don’t want a role on the Hunger Games. I like food. Food is my friend. So don’t tell me to stay away from my friend.

When I open the door to my closet I start to hear Whitney Houston’s song “I am Every Woman” because I have been every woman over the years. My jeans start at a size 8 and go up to a 12 and I wear them all depending on the month, my mood, whether or not I am retaining water, pregnant, bitchy, menstruating, ovulating, going through the change, happy, sad, or somewhere in between.
Recently I joined a gym and hired a personal trainer. It seemed like a good idea at the time. This buff 20 something year old and I sat down and went through my wish list: I want to be toned not muscular. I want to look good in a bathing suit not compete in a weight lifting competition. I want my stomach tight and my arms toned. I told him “When I am wearing a T-shirt and I wave at someone I don’t want the turkey skin under my arm waving twice as fast as my hand. You know what I mean?”  He stared at me blankly. I don't think he understood.

I made it through two of six sessions with him. During the second session he showed me how to do a Turkish sit up (you’ll have to Google it). You lay on the mat with a 10 pound weight in your left hand then you use your right hand to arch your body off the mat and put the 10 pound weight in the air over your head. I did give it shot. I got to three and sat down.
“I don’t like this.” I told him. He assures me this was the best way to get my core in shape. I reminded him about my back surgery and limitations and I could tell he was getting frustrated with me. So I finally said, “Look I have about 30 years on you. I have given birth twice and I have made peace with the fact that my hips are never going back to where they were 20 years ago. I am going through a change of life and could start to cry at any moment so don’t pressure me and I would much rather be going through McDonald’s drive thru right now than doing Turkish sit ups with you.”

He looked at me like he knew he was getting dumped.  So I felt obliged to say “It’s not you, it’s me. I have fear of commitment when it comes to gym memberships that’s why I only bought the month.” He started in on the “Don’t give up on me” speech but my mind was made up when I hit the mat on the third try. “It’s over. You’re too young for me. Isn’t there a personal trainer who is in their 50’s or 60’s that I could work with?” He assured me he would design a plan for just for me and age didn’t matter. Like what am I a gym cougar? I could feel the muscle in my neck going into spasm.
“Ya know what. This is just not working for me.” I cancelled my membership on the way out. Went to McDonalds and got a low-calorie Egg McMuffin and ate it in the car. Weight watchers says it’s only two points so I am good with that.
I have realized that the only six pack I am going to have is in my fridge.

I went home and threw my gym gear back in the closet. Minnie, my dog and BFF (Best Fury Friend) was whining to go out. I put on her leash, put my ear buds in and walked her around the block. It was a good 35 minute walk and the “MyFitnessPal” App on my iPhone says it gave me back 273 calories (it allows me to have 1200 a day). So the egg McMuffin was already gone. I walked her again later that night and lost another 273 calories. After a week of walking Minnie twice a day, I lost 3 pounds and didn’t change my eating at all. After three weeks I was down 7 pounds and that was the only thing I did different. (I also drink 3 bottles of water a day anyway). As it turns out, Minnie was the perfect personal trainer for me.
She is also a great listener. I could talk to her about anything. She never lets my secrets out or talks about me behind my back. She agrees with everything I say and follows me all over the house. She doesn’t judge me when we go through McDonalds drive thru and encourages me to have treats throughout the day.

It’s the “dog diet.” It’s the latest celebrity craze or at least that’s what I am telling everyone one. Who knew walking everyday could make you lose weight? Crazy right?