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Thursday, February 2, 2017

I am Funny Like That - The best selling book is available locally and on line!

I AM FUNNY LIKE THAT
Featured on Amazon’s Best Sellers list

Helen C. Escott's hysterical blog "I am Funny Like That" has come to life in this witty book!

If you have thrown your back out taking off Spanx, planned your husband's murder in your head or screamed through a Brazilian, this book is for you.

You'll laugh out loud for days after reading it. 126,000 blog readers can't be wrong!

Join in the laughter. Pick up "I am Funny Like That" locally at:
Spirit of Newfoundland, 6 Cathedral Street
Online at:
Amazon.ca
Barnesandnoble.com
Bookbaby.com

Let's be friends. Find me at:
Instagram - helencescott
Facebook - helen.c.escott
Twitter.com - hescott

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Stop being so Goddamn miserable!

When I wake up in the morning I always believe that something wonderful is
Hubby & I being crazy happy just enjoying life
going to happen to me during the day.

It’s in my nature to smile at everyone and generally be a positive person. 

Irritating, I know.

I also know not everyone is like that. I don’t understand people who get up in the morning and start their day by thinking of everything they hate about their lives.

You are alive Goddamn it! Stop being so miserable!

I just got off the phone with a friend who told me she spent the entire morning being angry at her husband. He didn’t clean the snow off her car before leaving for work. Think about that… her husband was at work and didn’t even know he did something wrong. So, she phoned him and told him off. Like he doesn’t have enough things going on at his office to piss him off. Now his wife is chastising him like a child. Their sex life must be awesome!

My response was “Maybe he was running late. Clean the show off your own car. Your arms aren’t broke!” I just really couldn’t understand. Why was it his job to clean off her car? Why is she letting it ruin her day? Why did she feel the need to call him at work and ruin his day over something so lame?

Is it because misery loves company? She was miserable so she felt the need to make him miserable.

That’s a morning she will never get back. That’s a husband who will never forget how small she made him feel.

I texted my husband “I am not wearing any underwear…… because you didn’t do the goddamn laundry!”

If you’re going to bitch at least make it hot.

He texted back, “Some arse on ya though.”

I think that’s called “Sexting.”

I used to love social media. I enjoyed going to Facebook in the morning to see what my friends and family where up to, look at baby or vacation pictures, find new recipes.  Basically, finding out what is going on in their lives. 

Lately, I find I am staying away from social media because apparently, most people on my friend list have been up all night with diarrhea, are obsessed with Donald Trump, are constantly sharing every crazy story they see without doing any research to find out if it is real, or just want to complain about everything in their lives!  I had no idea what complaining, homophobic, bigots they are.

Social media is becoming hateful media.

I unfriended one person who constantly posted updates on her medical condition. One day it was “In so much pain today. People don’t appreciate how hard it is for me to get out of bed.” Then an hour later she posted a picture of herself driving a snowmobile.

The only reason someone posts something like that is for pity.

There’s nothing I hate more than someone constantly looking for pity. I have a friend who is paralyzed from the neck down, in a wheel chair, and needs a caregiver just to get dressed. He posted this to his Facebook page today, “Life is good. I love the way the sun is shining on the snow.”

Seriously? You have diarrhea and you felt the need to tell everyone? Why?

What’s worse is the people who encourage it by liking it or posting things like “Get well soon”, “Thinking about you".

Thinking about you? Ok. So, she is on the toilet with her pants around her ankles shitting a blue streak and you’re thinking about her doing that.

Not me. I am unfriending her. She just ruined my breakfast. I hope her diarrhea lasts for a week.

Share all you want but keep your diarrhea to yourself.

Then it’s the never-ending Trump sharing! It’s so important to keep up on politics in today’s world but keep it real people! Enough of the comb-over jokes, the memes of his wife giving him the evil eye, the bullying of his 10 year old son, the “If you don’t agree with me you’re a stupid Trump-loving idiot!” Or “Ashley Judd and some other actress from the 80’s who couldn’t get media attention if she robbed a bank but is now all over the internet says you MUST hate him or you’re not a real woman!”

My entire feed was filled with pictures of Donald Trump, and of course the one friend with diarrhea.

I can’t take it anymore. I need pictures of dogs being cute, videos of screaming goats and evil cats. I miss the old Facebook.

I have lots of things I can bitch about. I save that up for when hubby comes come from work. I don’t feel the need to share with anyone else.

I choose to find good things about my day. I am grateful for the blessings in my life.

I know something wonderful has already happened to me today. My kids told me they loved me before they left for school. My dog is curled up by my feet. My tea is hot. After two kids and 23 years my husband still texts me “Some arse on ya though.”

How could my day get any better?


Well at least I am not sitting on the toilet shitting a blue streak reading about Trump’s media coverage!

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Thinking outside the age box

Hubby and I on board the Carnival Splendor
After taking a recent cruise, the company emailed an on-line survey and asked me to rate my experience. I was very happy with the cruise and didn’t mind taking the survey to let them know. It started with the typical “How would you rate the entertainment, waiters, greeters etc. and I was more that happy to give them all a 10 out of 10.

It progressed to the personal questions: “Are you male or female?’ I know I am female so I am ok with them knowing that too.

Then the age question comes up.
Are you:
   25-35
   35- 45
   45-55
   55-65
   65-75
   75-85

I spent a career in marketing so I understand why companies need to know the age of the person answering a survey. It’s because we want different things as we age. For example; if you tick the 25-35-year box you will probably be interested in the night club and drink packages more so than someone who ticks the 75-85-year-old box.

The problem is the lines around the boxes have blurred. Not every 75-year-old is old! Not ever 25-year-old can drink all night.

I admit ticking a box is much more convenient than having to scroll down through a list to find your birth year. That always leaves me with carpel tunnel syndrome afterwards.

The age box peaked my interest this time because I realized hubby and I now live in separate boxes! That’s right, after 22 years of marriage we have separated… and it wasn’t our choice.

You see, I am in the 25-35-year-old box and hubby is in the 55-65-year-old box. 

Oh, you caught that did you? It was worth a try.

Alright, I am in the 45-55-year-old box and hubby really is in the 55-65-year-old box. Our boxes are next to each other but we have been corralled like a herd of cows into separate fields. Mine is in the greener fields of “still want a drink package and prefer old time Rock-n-Roll type night clubs” and hubby has been put out to pasture in the “Doesn’t really use the drink package anymore and want to be in bed by 10 PM.”

I wont even be in his box for another two years! By that time, he will be midway to changing boxes again.

Then you know what happens when you leave that 75-85-year-old box? You get a big wooden box with your name on it!

It’s not very nice to put someone in a box. 

Boxes keep you in and they don’t tell the truth. If this cruise company really wanted to know how to serve their guests better they should think outside the box by using the following instead age groups:
   Drink package and Hip Hop dance music
   Drink package and Rock-n-Roll
   Drink package, Hip Hop and party all night
   Drink package, Rock-n-Roll and party all night
   Small drink package, Rock-n-Roll and bed at 10 PM
   Small drink package and bed by 9 PM
   No drink package, puréed food and bed by 8 PM

You would get a much more accurate marketing analysis of who is on the cruise ship using this.

Growing old together is the greatest honour there is. Over the past 22 years we have ticked everyone of those boxes together. We have lived through “Drink package and Hip Hop music” to “Lets just stay home and watch a movie.”

What I am saying is; companies should not assume that they can put people in a box and close the lid because they are aging. 

For the record, the cruise company did not make any money on our drink package. Also, Hubby and I danced every night in the Hip Hop club while 20 year olds watched us!

Hubby and I will always be in that “Drink package, Rock-n-Roll, go to bed when I get there, stay home and watch a movie because I am so glad our plans got cancelled” box.


Now analyze that!

Monday, December 12, 2016

What happened to Christmas downtown? What happened to downtown in general?

Going downtown during Christmas was one of the highlights of my childhood. My Mother and I would go to Woolworths for lunch then poke around The Arcade, go to the Mount Cashel Raffle and buy a ticket hoping to win a turkey. Then we would go window to window looking at the decorations and displays.
You can’t do that with your kids anymore because none of it exists!

Granted Mount Cashel is a bad memory, The Arcade and Woolworths are long gone, and downtown is fading from our vibrant history.

It has turned into boutique stores, pricy restaurants and tourist traps. Businesses are closing down and a reasonably priced fish and chips is as hard to find as a parking spot.

There was a time when the downtown businesses only had to compete with the Avalon and Village Malls. Now it’s Stavanger Drive and Kelsey Drive with their big free parking lots where you don’t have to worry about getting a ticket. Then there’s internet shopping!

People need a reason to go back downtown.

The marketing strategy is just not there but it is not that hard to create. Simple adjustments can change our downtown section into the bustling business district it once was. All you have to do is get creative and deal with some issues:

Parking and parking tickets. If you’re lucky enough to find a parking spot you have to keep an eye on the meter so you don’t get a ticket. Simple solution, make Duckworth Street and Water Street one way to ease the traffic congestion.  Keep the traffic on Harbour Dive both ways. Then put parking on Duckworth and Water Streets on an angle to double the capacity. Allow more free parking days or just free parking in general.

Close Water Street to host festivals. When George Street has its music festival the street is closed down to accommodate people traffic which is a great idea! When Water Street has the Busker’s Festival the street stays open to traffic! If Water Street was closed down the City would have more room for Buskers, and families would feel safer if they didn’t have to dodge traffic to see the acts performing. Make this festival an event; organize a parade around it, encourage businesses to set up sidewalk sales, let people have ticket booths and food stands like a “Water Street Regatta.

Host more festivals!!! Surely we can come up with more than the George Street Festival and the Busker’s Festival to showcase downtown. Here’s an idea… New Year’s Eve in June! Bring the fireworks back to the St. John’s Harbour but set them off in June! Put a stage on the Waterfront for musical acts and create a party. It would boost business for restaurants and nightclubs and bring families back to downtown. Wouldn’t you like to see the New Year’s fireworks while wearing your shorts?

Own Christmas! The one thing downtown has over other shopping areas is the history. Here’s how you do it:

1.       Encourage businesses to create a one-of-a-kind window display. Give awards for the best window. Make a big deal over it and advertise it to the public as the one thing they don’t want to miss during Christmas. Downtown traffic equals downtown shopping and eating.

2.       Invest in some new city decorations and lights. You should see downtown from Mount Pearl! Light it up! Make it magical!

3.       Bring back the raffle. Ask a charity to take it over. I am sure the Rotary or Kinsman would love to take it on during December. Ask for proposals and whoever comes up with the best long-term business plan wins the contract for 3-5 years. If they get lazy or do not do a good job they lose it to someone else.

Entice other restaurants to move downtown. I love our local cuisine but sometimes I don’t want to make reservations I just want a Big Mac. Not everyone can afford a $100 lunch. Why isn’t there a McDonalds, Burger King or even a Ches’s downtown? There are lots of pricy places but not a lot of moderate to low cost places to eat.

Enough with the boutiques! I am the queen of shopping but I am also the queen of good deals. Every time I shop downtown I am appalled by the tourist gouging that goes on. The write up on some goods is crazy. I also don’t want to buy socks with “What are ya at?” on them or T-shirts with “Ow she gettin’ on by?” I refuse to shop in stores that don’t take returns. I was burnt by a store downtown last summer when I bought an expensive pair of sneakers as a gift for my daughter on her birthday. They didn’t fit and I brought them back. They didn’t have her size and they would only give me a store credit. They didn’t have another pair that she liked so we ended up wasting the credit on things she didn’t really want. Learned a lesson there!

Entice other clothing stores to move downtown. Why don’t we have a Suzy Shier or La Chateau downtown? Not everybody can spend $3000 on a fur coat. Some people just want to buy a reasonably priced winter coat. Bring in some normal stores. These stores employ local people too and drive the economy.

Not everyone likes George Street. I am a 53 year old Mother. I have no interest in George Street and it seems the City only promotes what is happening there. I never hear them promote what is happening on Duckworth Street or Water Street. If it wasn’t for friends on Facebook promoting restaurants I would not know downtown existed outside of George Street.

Now downtown business owners don’t get upset with me. I know not all downtown businesses target the rich who want lobster for lunch, expensive clothes and tourist items. Unfortunately those businesses get lost in between which is why they are closing down.  We don’t know they exist!

Someone has dropped the ball here.  Downtown needs a marketing strategy that is not so focussed on the brief tourist season, high-end shoppers or party goers on George Street.  You have basically cut out the middle to low income earners. 

That’s too bad because there are more people living in moderately priced homes in St. John’s than there are in King William Estate mansions.  

Go to the Avalon Mall on any given day. The food court is full, parking is free, the stores are busy and the money is flowing.  People are willing to spend money they just need a good reason to spend it downtown. 

Monday, November 7, 2016

Join Helen & Shelley for Happy Hour Christmas shopping! This Wednesday night (Nov. 09th) from 5-6:30


Join Helen & Shelley for Happy Hour Christmas shopping! This Wednesday night (Nov. 09th) from 5-6:30.
Myself and Shelley Neville will be at the Masonic Temple. I will be launching and signing my book "I am Funny Like That" and Shelley will be singing songs from her Christmas CDs. Both will be on sale so you can do all your Christmas shopping in in place!
Those who attend can enter their name to win a "Reading Basket" valued at almost $1000 and includes a $315 gift certificate for a NL Pride ring from Campus Rings, a Tocara bracelet, $200 in beauty gift certificates from Signature Salon, Tres Belle Esthetics, and Studio A. Plus lots of other surprises.

When you attend my book signing make sure you fill out a ballot. I will be drawing for it at 6:30 PM.
My Special guest is the one, the only Shelley Neville accompanied by the multi-talented Bill Brennan who will be singing selections from her beautiful Christmas CD.
Don't forget it is this Wednesday, November 09th
from 5:00-6:30 PM
at Spirit of Newfoundland
6 Cathedral Street, St. John's
Please join myself & Shelley for food, refreshments, music and lots of laughs as I launch my first book "I am Funny Like That"
If you already have a copy of the book please bring it to be signed. The hard copies will be available for $15.00 at the event.
To order a copy go to Amazon.com